The Toy Story Dad... What's His Story?

The following blog is from the Father Factor, a blog by the National Fatherhood Initiative.

This past weekend, my family and I went to see "Toy Story 3." Wow. What a great movie! The dialogue was clever and humorous. The characters and the plot were compelling and entertaining, and the movie has a wonderfully engaging blend of drama and comedy. My sense is that the Toy Story series has run its course. If so, the creators of the series ended on a very high note.

However, there was one aspect of the movie that left me a bit "animated." The plot builds around the fact that Andy, who is now 17, has lost interest in playing with Woody, Buzz and the gang. Accordinly, the urgent crisis for the toys is what would become of them now that Andy would soon be heading off to college.

At one point, there is a scan of Andy's desk and you see a picture from his recent high school graduation. There are three smiling faces: Andy, his sister and his mom. So, for me, the stuffed elephant in the living room was... Where is Andy's dad and what's his story?

Now, I know that this is just a movie, but, unfortunately, art can imitate life. With 24 million kids living in father-absent homes, Andy's family situation is too real and too common for too many children. Nonetheless, this was not an accident or an oversight. Somewhere during the creative process someone made the call to erase dad. Moreover, he was deleted and no reference was made to him. And, well, I am just not comfortable with this new normal.

Interestingly, there was a scene in the movie where I got a sense that Andy was not too comfortable with this either. Near the end of the film, Andy is holding Woody for what will probably be the last time and he says that Woody is his most special toy and that he has been with him for as long as he can remember. He added that Woody was always there for him and, best of all, Woody would never give up on him, no matter what.

Now, you can dismiss this like so much "psycho babble," but it seems to me that Andy, through his imagination and play, ascribed to Woody the attributes of an involved, responsible, and committed father. And, if you followed the Toy Story series, this is exactly how Woody behaved. He was always focused on being there for Andy regardless of the challenges and obstacles. Interestingly, the magic that made Woody a "read" toy was his commitment to Andy, just like what makes a man a real father is his commitment to his children.

In fact, if anyone ever questioned his priorities and purpose, Woody was quick to show them the word "ANDY" written on the sole of his shoe in permanent marker. What an amazing metaphor for what happens to a man when he becomes a dad. I have heard numerous times from fathers how something changed inside of them when they held their child for the first time. Well, I think that children are born with "magic" markers and when their dads hold them for the first time, they write their names on their dad's souls to remind their fathers who they belong to.

I guess that's why I am a bit troubled by no reference or mention of Andy's dad. Because for all of the real "Andys" in the world, their history is linked to their destiny as men and as fathers. Accordingy, they have to come to grip with and make sense of their father's absence in a real way. And there is no erasing that.

Giving Booty Pop the BOOT

Yesterday I was reviewing our mailing and found myself flipping through the pages of a recent Bed Bath & Beyond flyer.

It was clearly the college edition with cute pictures of dorm room storage units, bedding sets, and even models wearing Snuggie "cap and gowns."

And then I turned to page 19. Amongst the curlers and straighteners was a picture of girl posing and a text bubble that read, "Do I even have a booty?"



Maybe I live in a cave that I've never heard of the Booty Pop, but that ad left me outraged. How dare they prey on the insecurity of soon-to-be college freshman girls who already are wondering if they have what it takes to survive college, let alone question the size of their God-given caboose!

Thoroughly upset about 1) what advetizers are getting away with, and 2) what girls are literally buying and figurally buying into, I began to investigate the website of Booty Pop.

Immediately upon opening the website are you are bommarded with before and after pictures, testimonials of people like Kelli Ripa, and cheesy lines like "the secret is out!" and "go from flat to fab in a POP!"

And then I saw this:

I realize it's hard to read, so let me reproduce it:

WARNING! Wearing Booty Pop panties has been known to make men notice...

(Notice what? How fake you are?)

The makers of Booty Pop are not responsible for all the extra attention you will receive as a result of wearing our product...

(Again, playing on the insecurity of girls who don't feel loved and desperately want attention. Girls, is falsely enhacing your body in anyway the solution? Will he truly LOVE you for who you are, instead of how you look? Or are you just lowering your standards?)

Subsequently the hiring of, and costs related to, additional personal security is the sole responsibility of the Booty Pop customer. (emphasis added)

(Whoa!! Let's talk about this. They are jokingly implying that you'll need to hire security because you'll get so much attention. Attention? Or physically attacked? I think that's called rape ladies, let's not confuse the two.)

I think it's about time we ladies stop buying into the lies of "you need this" and "you aren't beautiful" and need to start giving products like Booty Pop the BOOT.

41 Reasons...

...to wait to have sex.

Submitted by teens and originally posted on AC Green's Youth Foundation website.

1. I'd rather say no to my boyfriend than "Yes, I'm pregnant" to my parents.
2. To avoid STDs.
3. I don't want to feel guilty.
4. I don't want the reputation of being someone that people date because they expect to have sex.
5. I would disappoint my parents.
6. I might lose respect for the other person, he or she might lose respect for me, and I might lose respect for myself.
7. Sex is better in a secure, loving marriage relationship.
8. The thought of having an abortion scares me to death.
9. Sex gets in the way of real intimate communication.
10. Sexual relationships are a lot harder to break up even when you know you should.
11. I'm afraid it may ruin a good relationship rather than make it better.
12. There are better ways to get someone to like you.
13. You won't have to worry about birth control side effects.
14. I'm not emotionally ready for that intense of a relationship.
15. I could become scared of my partner.
16. I don't want to hurt someone I really care about.
17. Sex could become the central focus of the relationship, like an addiction. At that point it is no longer a meaningful relationship, but we are using each other to satisfy sexual desires.
18. You begin to compare sexual experiences, leading to lots of disappointments.
19. I don't want to make myself vulnerable to being used or abused sexually.
20. If I'm hurt too many times, I might miss out on something great because I'm so afraid of being hurt again.
21. I like my freedom too much. Sexual relationships are binding.
22. I'm only sixteen.
23. I'm proud of my virginity, and I want to stay that way.
24. Building a relationship in other ways is more important.
25. I don't want to risk becoming someone's sex object.
26. I want my first experience to be a good one with someone who won't laugh at me, reject me, or tell lies about me, and who I know will always be there tomorrow.
27. It's possible to enjoy ourselves without getting sexually intimate.
28. Why rush into something that could be lousy or mediocre now, when it could be great later?
29. I don't want sex to lose meaning and value so that I feel "sexually bankrupt."
30. I am afraid that at this age it might not meet my expectations, and I will be seriously disappointed.
31. I don't want to risk ending a relationship by our hating each other because of it.
32. I might find it painful and the other person rough and uncaring.
33. I don't want the boy to brag about scoring with me.
34. It's the safest way not to become pregnant.
35. You may feel invaded, and you can't take it back after it's happened.
36. You may have to grow up too fast and too soon.
37. Sex may become the only thing that keeps the relationship together.
38. You may have sex too early to really enjoy or understand it.
39. You lose the chance to experience the "first time" with someone who really cares for you.
40. I want my most intimate physical relationship to be with the one I marry.
41. Sex brings feelings of jealousy, envy, and possessiveness. Every relationship changes.

Beautiful, Must See Commercial!

Saw this new "wear your seat belt" commercial the UK is running and loved it. A beautiful depiction of why your loved ones want you to be safe.

And not only with wearing your seat belt, but also making healthy choices about drinking, drugs and premarital sex. Because when it comes down to it, poor choices always affect more people than just yourself. It affects everyone who cares about you.

Fathers Who Are Husbands Spare Children from Poverty

An excellent article by the Heritage Foundation, written by Ken McIntyre.

A wedding ring on Dad’s finger is more than a symbol of his commitment to Mom. It also proves to be the ultimate anti-poverty weapon for their children. Now that’s something to celebrate and encourage this Father’s Day. It’s fitting on Sunday to honor all the fathers who strive to keep that commitment, even when they grow weary.


“The principal cause of child poverty in the U.S. is the absence of married fathers in the home,” Robert Rector, senior research fellow in domestic policy studies at The Heritage Foundation, writes in a new paper. “Marriage is a powerful weapon in fighting poverty. Being married has the same effect in reducing poverty as adding five to six years to a parent’s education level.”

In the paper, accompanied by 12 new charts on marriage and poverty, Rector illustrates the severe social costs of record-high births outside marriage – and of homes without fathers.

The escalating rate of births to unmarried women – four of every 10 babies overall, but more than half the Hispanic births and a staggering seven of every 10 births for blacks – is driving the collapse of marriage in America, especially in lower-income neighborhoods.

As Rector writes:

Marriage matters. But mentioning the bond between marriage and lower poverty violates the protocols of political correctness. Thus, the main cause of child poverty remains hidden from public view. Since the decline of marriage is the principal cause of child poverty and welfare dependence in the U.S. …it would seem reasonable for government to take steps to strengthen marriage.

About two of every three poor children live in single-parent households. Yet if poor single moms married the fathers of their children, nearly two out of three would be lifted out of poverty.

And contrary to the mainstream media line, teen pregnancy is a small part of the picture: In 2008, the most recent year for which data is available, babies born to girls under 18 accounted for 130,000, or 7.5 percent, of the total 1.72 million out-of-wedlock births.

It’s not as simple as young men “manning up” and becoming the lawfully wedded husbands of their girlfriends, live-in or otherwise. These unmarried mothers tend to be in their 20s, without much income or education. They come to depend on public assistance; many learn how to work the welfare system.

Research shows that a child raised in a home where Dad is married to Mom is much less likely to live in poverty, get arrested as a juvenile, be suspended or expelled from school, be treated for emotional or behavioral problems, or drop out before completing high school. Taxpayers foot the bill for more than $300 billion a year in means-tested government spending on low-income single moms – and, in relatively rare cases, single dads.

One budding national leader, himself a young husband and father, nailed the poverty portion of the tragedy of absent fathers when he cited similar statistics five years ago and wrote:

In light of these facts, policies that strengthen marriage for those who choose it and that discourage unintended births outside of marriage are sensible goals to pursue.

Those words come from husband, father and then-Senator Barack Obama’s 2006 best-seller “The Audacity of Hope.” He was correct then, and he should implement marriage-strengthening policies today.

To reinvigorate marriage in lower-income neighborhoods, Rector suggests, government could start by providing facts on the role of healthy marriages in reducing poverty and improving the well-being of children. Why not teach skills for selecting a wife or husband? Why not explain the importance of developing a stable marital relationship before bringing children into the world?

Nothing could be further from government practice. In social service agencies, welfare offices, schools and popular culture across America, what Rector calls “a deafening silence” reigns on the topic of marriage. The welfare system actively penalizes low-income couples who do get married. He adds:

For most on the Left, marriage is, at best, an antiquated institution, a red-state superstition. From this viewpoint, the real task is to expand government subsidies as a post-marriage society is built.

Rather than adopt policies to reverse the 50-year spike in births outside marriage, though, President Obama in his 2011 budget “would eliminate the one program dedicated to encouraging healthy marriage,” notes Jennifer A. Marshall, Heritage’s director of domestic policy studies.

Marshall writes:

In its place would be a program promoting a notion of ‘fatherhood’ that doesn’t involve the father being married or in the home. The facts speak for themselves. It’s time more policymakers noticed what the facts are saying.

Something to think about, Mr. President. Happy Father’s Day.

Love Shouldn't Hurt

Dating violence is a serious issue which isn't ignored at the Women's Care Center. From our staff who counsels couples towards healthy relationships to our educators in the classroom teaching on the "con games" in relationships, we are developing hope in and for our community.

That is why this recent blog by I Am That Girl was so sad to me. Sad because it involved dating violence in my hometown of Charlottesville, VA. Violence which ended in a murder. Sad because no one said anything. Sad because it could have been prevented.

Love Shouldn't Hurt

by Ashley Thill

Could she have been saved? That is the question on the minds of many after the death of Yeardley Love. Love was a lacrosse player for the women’s team at the University of Virginia. She was a beautiful and sweet 22-year-old, set to graduate. She was found dead in her apartment nearly a month ago. Her ex-boyfriend, George Huguely, a fellow lacrosse player on the men’s team, stands accused in the case of her murder. After the story broke, more news came forward about Huguely’s violent and obsessive ways. Those near Love and Huguely seemed to recognize his temper and his fixation on Love. Yet no one came forward or said anything. This is why the University of Virginia and the nation is reeling about whether Yeardley Love’s murder could have been prevented.

Huguely’s lawyers are calling his actions “an accident with a tragic aftermath.” However, dating violence is no accident and should not be treated as such. The National Violence Against Women Survey, co-sponsored by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and the National Institute of Justice, reported that nearly 25% of women report being physically assaulted or raped in their lifetime. That adds up to nearly 4.8 million female victims of intimate partner violence each year.

Many young people who are victims of dating violence often don’t realize that there is something wrong. They have little experience and may think that it is “normal” relationship behavior or it will stop. Obviously, none of the people around Love thought to go to someone about Huguely’s behavior toward her nor does it appear that Love did so herself.

Dating violence isn’t just physical either. The CDC classifies different forms of dating violence as verbal, emotional, physical and sexual. The last two are often the most focused on but verbal and emotional abuse can take a toll; they also may be the least recognizable. These types can be confused as teasing (such as when dating partners call each other names) or as a sign of love, like when someone threatens to hurt him or herself if a partner expresses desire to end the relationship.

The most important thing is to educate adolescents so they learn from a young age to recognize dating violence. Incorporating curriculum about dating violence into health classes is one way to ensure young people are exposed to signs of violence and abuse early.

The saddest part of this whole story is that Love’s death probably could have been prevented, if someone had intervened. Now not only is this young woman dead, but Huguely faces life in prison. If something had been done, both Love and Huguely could have gone on to lead fulfilling lives. It’s our turn as a society to learn something from this tragedy and prevent cases like it form happening in the future.

Ideas from the Dating Divas

I stumbled upon a blog by the Dating Divas who describe the blog as such:

Once upon a time, there were a group of FABULOUS divas...twelve to be exact...who realized that they all had the same problem! Each of them was married to a super-duper hottie, of course, but they were discovering that they were letting LIFE take over...and weren't focusing on their husbands as much as they would like! Since these divas were so fabulous and all...they quickly came up with a plan. They would take turns posting a super fun, creative, AND inexpensive date each week on their "Dating Divas" blog! And, of course, being the fabulous divas...and all..they decided to share those dates with the rest of you!

Sounds like fun, huh? Wait until you see their awesome posts.

This one has got to be one of my favorite: Couples Minute to Win It, taylored after the TV game show. Included on their blog is a ready made invitation that you can use to host your own Minute to Win It party.

If your dating life has gotten too routine (whether your single or married) try out some of their and let us know how it goes!

Or, if you're creative come up with your own and contact the Divas!

Teen's Biggest Influence is...

Because today is National Day to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, I wanted to highlight those individuals who have the biggest impact on teens: parents!

Again and again teens say that parents influence them more than friends, the media, or any other source. Encouraging, isn't it?

So parents, are you using your influence to guide your child toward success and healthy relationships? Check out this video in which teens are crying out for their parents to just talk with them about sex.

Talk to Me PSA...

For more parent information on talking with your teen about sex, please visit: 4parents.gov

The Quiet Revolution on College Campuses

This morning I read the article below on Townhall.com. Not only is it a great look at the changing trends with today's generations, but also rings true with our own experience with a local Erie college.

In the fall, the Women's Care Center hosted an event at Gannon University called, Hooking Up & Breaking Down - the Missing Links in Relationships. During the event we spoke to the harms of the hook-up culture and the benefits of delaying sexual activity until marriage.

We left the students eager to make a stand for abstinence and excited for the benefits of marriage. The revolution isn't just happening at other campuses, but right here in Erie, PA!

The Quiet Revolution on College Campuses
Janice Shaw Crouse

There’s a quiet revolution happening on the nation’s school and college campuses. While the students still live in a sex-saturated culture, and while researchers claim that at least 75 percent of college students are part of the “hook-up” generation, more and more students are opting out of the sex scene. It is far too early to declare a new trend, but there are encouraging signs of a new respect for abstinence and dating, instead of recreational sex.

Part of the change of attitude and behavior comes from college students seeing the consequences and repercussions of recreational sex.

College counselors report that they are seeing a dramatic increase in sex-related problems on campuses. A just-published article in Professional Psychology reveals over three-quarters of clinic directors (77.1 percent) noted increases in “severe psychological problems.” Over the past decade, counselors report that depression cases doubled, suicidal students tripled and sexual assault cases quadrupled. Sexually transmitted diseases are rampant in a culture where it is not uncommon for students to have sex with several partners; they call it “concurrency.” About one in four women and about one in five men have HPV. Other STDs, like Herpes, Gonorrhea, and Chlamydia, are also common among students — an estimated two-thirds of STDs occur among those under age 25.

The prevailing message about abortion is that it is a “choice,” but far too many of today’s college women have seen a friend be abandoned by a guy or coerced to have an abortion when he finds out she is pregnant.

Wonderful books are available and are having impact with college students and young careerists. Wendy Shalit’s book, The Good Girl Revolution: Young Rebels with Self-Esteem and High Standards, and her original book on modesty, A Return to Modesty, are having profound influence. Miriam Grossman’s Unprotected lays out the consequences of promiscuity. Carol Platt Liebau’s, Prude: How the Sex-Obsessed Culture Damages Girls, reveals the “minefields” that today’s students have to navigate in their sexually “ramped up” world.

Julie Klausner warns smart women not to be reckless with their hearts or bodies in I Don’t Care about Your Band. Joe McIlhaney, Jr., and Freda McKissic Bush have written a book of scientific data on casual sex, New Science on How Casual Sex is Affecting our Children. Laura Sessions Stepp, author of Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both, describes the shift of “power” away from women in the hook-up culture and noted that many young women cannot handle the physical and emotional battering that they suffer in the new hook-up landscape.

Meg Meeker’s Your Kids at Risk: How Teen Sex Threatens Our Sons and Daughters is also a no-holds-barred treatise about consequences. In her book, Hooking Up: Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus, Kathleen Bogle writes about how co-eds long for a return to traditional dating. All these books, and numerous others, are being read by today’s generation of students, and they are having a positive impact on student behavior.

Plus, there are some very savvy outreach programs gaining popularity on college campuses. Foremost among them is the Love and Fidelity Network, which currently has chapters on about two dozen high-profile campuses, including Princeton, Harvard, and Notre Dame. This very popular program, with distinguished Princeton professor Robert George in leadership, provides well-attended forums and discussion groups promoting abstinence, sexual integrity, and marriage. The Ruth Institute, headed by Dr. Jennifer Roback Morse, provides speakers for campus events and quality research on the benefits of marriage.

In addition, there are some pop cultural changes afoot with pop stars sending countercultural messages. Lady Gaga created a media frenzy recently when she told the press that she was going celibate and suggested that others do the same. Former American Idol winner Kelly Clarkson released a song, “I Don’t Hook Up,” where she declared that she didn’t hook up and she didn’t “come cheap.” On Facebook, there’s a girls’ group called “Bring Dating Back” for girls who want guys to take them out on a real date rather than head straight for a bed.

But arguably, the most influential cultural statement lately among the youngest teens was a few subtle lines in a #1 hit song, “Fifteen.” Taylor Swift, one of the most popular of today’s country music stars, sang poignantly about “realizing bigger dreams” than the high school boyfriend, and about crying with Abigail “who gave everything” to a boy who “changed his mind.” She said in a recent interview, “I wouldn’t be a party girl even if I wasn’t doing this [songwriter and performer]; that’s just not the way I live my life.”

At last, our young people are hearing the truth from some pop stars, and they are getting solid information, including the quality abstinence programs that have been given wider distribution over the past decade. Today’s youth are hearing from multiple sources about the benefits of self-respect, self-restraint, and learning to say “no.” Perhaps a trend is underway after all; we can only hope and continue to challenge the nation’s young people to live up to their highest potential.

For Your Eyes Only

Modestly Yours is a blog which we've been following for sometime after having the honor of meeting some of the strong, independent and intelligent women who write for it.

Just in case you've never checked out what they have to say, here's a recent post which will really cause you to ponder the POWER of modesty and what lessons we can learn from other cultures.

For Your Eyes Only
by Erica Z.

I thought I'd share an experience I had this past week.

But first, a small intro, since I never formally introduced myself: I'm originally from Philadelphia, but I'm currently studying at a yeshiva for Jewish women in Jerusalem, Israel. Every weekend, I celebrate Shabbat, the Jewish Sabbath, which lasts from sundown Friday until sundown Saturday. I am invited to a different family each week for the festivities--eating, shmoozing, praying, learning, and eating some more. I have found throughout my travels that even within the Orthodox Jewish world, there is an enormous spectrum of philosophies, perspectives, and customs.

I spent this past Shabbat with two friends at the home of a young, newly-married Chassidic couple. After Rivky (our cute, talkative financial advisor from New York who doubles as our friend and confidante) invited me to her home, she said, "By the way, I have to warn you. My husband does not look at or talk to women. But he loves having guests." I was startled. I know that Orthodox men are careful not to gaze at immodestly dressed women, or to stare in an inappropriate manner at any woman. I had even heard of this added stringency to which men from some Chassidic sects of orthodoxy adhere, to not look at women besides their wives. But what startled me was how Rivky seemed to beam with pride as she said this. "He is really into guarding his eyes," she continued, her own eyes twinkling.

Sure enough, her husband did not steal any glances of his three female guests. Nevertheless, he warmly welcomed us when we arrived and wished us a good week when we left. He even made us eggs for the traditional, small meal after sundown on Saturday evening. He did all of this with a big smile, but with his eyes directed downward. At the dinner table, he did not talk to us directly. He gently spoke to Rivky in Yiddish, telling her stories and words of Torah. After listening to him intently, she brightly related everything to us in English. Sometimes I saw him smiling or nodding in response to things we said. After dinner, I stayed up late talking with Rivky. Much of our conversation centered on ideas about modesty, in behavior and appearance, something she feels is a pillar of her life and her role as a Jewish woman.

The next morning, we woke up in an empty apartment--the couple had already gone to the synagogue--to find three coffee cups with saucers and shiny spoons placed in a perfect line on the kitchen table, accompanied by a plate of pastries. Each cup contained instant coffee and sugar. When I later thanked Rivky for the thoughtful gesture, she giggled. "It wasn't me. It was my husband." I looked over at her husband, who had heard this exchange. He was sporting a toothy smile.

I walked away from Rivky's home with a refined understanding of a once-foreign lifestyle. And some questions... Is there such thing as too extreme when it comes to modesty? Or is it because we have become so desensitized that going "too far" from the norm of skimpy outfits and cat calls seems equally offensive?

Is modesty a long-lost virtue to which some hold a secret key?