The Importance of Self-Control
By ANN PLESHETTE MURPHY and JENNIFER ALLEN of ABC NEWS
July 31, 2006 —
Over-the-top teens like lazy A.J. Soprano and "Desperate Housewives" angst-ridden Andrew and impulsive Danielle reflect our culture's convictions that teens are angry, oversexed risk-takers.
So 17-year-old Ali Nepola, who's at the top of her class, cross-country team captain, a competitive dancer, and popular and well behaved to boot, doesn't quite fit the stereotype.
According to new research, Ali's self-control may be the key to her success.
"She's got a lot of self-control and knows her limitations and knows her strengths and weaknesses," says Cathy Nepola, Ali's mom.
Grazyna Kochanska, a professor at the University of Iowa, has tracked Ali and more than 300 other kids for almost 20 years to gauge how their ability to delay gratification and exert self-control affects their lives.
"Self-control is generally considered a very good thing," Kochanska says. "In our own research, this capacity has clearly been associated with positive aspects of social development."
Using a variety of measures, Kochanska and her team test children on how well they can control their impulses. Some tests involve letting a child see a particular reward -- a wrapped present, a piece of candy, an attractive toy -- but not allowing him to touch the item until given permission. Others involve building a tall structure with blocks, then asking the child to wait a specified time before allowing him to knock it down.
Videotaped at 3 years old, Ali is told she can eat the candy placed in front of her but only after the researcher rings a bell. On the video, Ali hops around a bit but does not touch the candy.
In another test, Ali waits more than three minutes -- an eternity to a 3-year-old -- to unwrap a present left just within her reach. Kochanska says this ability to delay gratification will benefit Ali throughout her life.
"Those who have good self-control are more compliant, more cooperative, have good harmonious relationships with their parents, good relationships with their peers, and they have good academic success," Kochanska says.
Pedal to the Floor, No Brakes
But watch almost any teen movie, and you may wonder why impulse control seems to skid off the road during the scary teen years. Experts now know this is because the brain is not fully developed at adolescence.
"If we were to compare the teenage brain to an automobile, it's as if the gas pedal is to the floor, and there are no brakes," says David Walsh, author of "Why Do They Act That Way: A Survival Guide to the Adolescent Brain for You and Your Teen."
Thanks to magnetic resonance imaging, or MRI, technology, we know that the teen brain develops from back to front. In other words, the part of the brain that helps teens reason, plan ahead and manage impulses -- the prefrontal cortex -- is one of the last areas to mature, at around age 25. Until then parents may have a hard time engaging their teens.
"If parents create a supportive, loving, well-organized, predictable environment in the home, I think those children will be all right," Kochanska says.
And that's just the sort of environment Ali's parents provided for her.
"Pretty much been the way that she's been raised is that you don't always get what you want when you want it," says Cathy Nepola. "You just have to wait sometimes, and sometimes when you wait, it's even better."
Learning to delay gratification and exercise self-control are lessons Ali will take with her into her adult years.
"I'd be more comfortable doing the right thing than doing something that I think would be fun, but I'd feel bad about later," Ali says.
Is There Any Difference Between Boys and Girls?
For the first year or two of life, controlling impulses is very tough for kids, which is why the toddler years can be such a challenge.
Toddlers are active and want to explore their environment and can't help reaching or screaming for something they see that's inviting.
But even at that young age, parents can help a child develop better impulse control by making him wait to take turns; by not rushing in to help the minute he whimpers for something; by using routines to create a predictable schedule at home. The goal is to teach your child to tolerate frustration.
Lots of research shows that girls tend to have more impulse control than boys. During the teen years, girls tend to be more emotional, while boys tend to be bigger risk-takers.
Knowing that teens sometimes can't help the way they feel and act -- that they're not misbehaving just to be annoying or worse -- can go a long way toward defusing battles.
If your teen is more like an A.J. than an Ali, what can you do?
Encourage your teen's involvement in any activity that requires practice, whether it's sports or music lessons, volunteer work or a job that forces your child to set goals.
The most important thing is for parents to model patience. We live in a get-it-now environment where everything is about instant gratification, so showing teens how you set goals to achieve what you want, as opposed to lecturing about it, is critical.
Copyright © 2008 ABC News Internet Ventures
Monday, December 22, 2008
Friday, December 5, 2008
Boundaries...its a GIRL issue?!
This week I was teaching on the subject of dating and boundaries when I heard this comment...
"Boundaries are for girls." This of course, coming from a young man.
"Oh really?" I replied. "Why do you say that?"
"Because they are the ones who need to say no" was the answer.
Hmm. Interesting. Girls are the only ones who can or need to say no. What a thought! So, let's explore the presumptions.
First, this young man believes that guys are always the aggressors and girls mearly the receivers of advances. However, what we are seeing is that more and more females are becoming sexually aggressive. In one study, about 90% of college men reported sexual advances from a female (to read more see: Men's Reactions in Sex Roles: A Journal of Research, Vol 31, 1994).
Second, there seems to be the assumption that men cannot or need not say no. This, undoubtedly stemming from the idea that "you're a man" if you "get whatever you can." However, this idea completely misses all the consequences of sex outside of a life-long committed relationship.
So, why can a guy say no?? (10 GREAT REASONS)
"Boundaries are for girls." This of course, coming from a young man.
"Oh really?" I replied. "Why do you say that?"
"Because they are the ones who need to say no" was the answer.
Hmm. Interesting. Girls are the only ones who can or need to say no. What a thought! So, let's explore the presumptions.
First, this young man believes that guys are always the aggressors and girls mearly the receivers of advances. However, what we are seeing is that more and more females are becoming sexually aggressive. In one study, about 90% of college men reported sexual advances from a female (to read more see: Men's Reactions in Sex Roles: A Journal of Research, Vol 31, 1994).
Second, there seems to be the assumption that men cannot or need not say no. This, undoubtedly stemming from the idea that "you're a man" if you "get whatever you can." However, this idea completely misses all the consequences of sex outside of a life-long committed relationship.
So, why can a guy say no?? (10 GREAT REASONS)
- Because he's an intelligent human being, not an animal driven by instinct.
- Because he has dreams and goals for his life.
- Because he wants the best sex possible - the kind that science tells us is found in marriage.
- Because he doesn't want the stress of worrying about getting her pregnant.
- Because he doesn't want nasty diseases that cause extreme pain or can even lead to death.
- Because he knows sex outside of marriage is never 100% safe, only abstinence is.
- Because he knows that even if you protect the physical, there's still the intellectual, emotional, social, and spiritual parts of him that will be effected.
- Because he knows how strongly the physical interactions can chemically bond you to another, and if broken, how each new bond will always be weaker.
- Because he knows that a TRUE man would honor the girl by marrying her first, not just enjoying her goods.
- Because he RESPECTS himself enough to stand up for the BEST decision.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Better health, More $, More satisfying sex...HOW??
In an article by the New York Times on April 10, 1995, Jennifer Steinhauer wrote the following:
Studies Find Big Benefits in Marriage
Single people may simply not know what's good for them, a recent group of studies suggests.
A body of demographic research presented at the conference of the Population Association of America here today indicates that marriage offers dramatic emotional, financial and even health benefits over the single life and cohabitation.
"Cohabitation has some but not all of the benefits of marriage," said Linda Waite, the association's president, in an address to members in which she argued that the married enjoy better health, more money and more satisfying sex.
An enhanced commitment that comes naturally with marriage, she said, increases all levels of the support that individuals bring to their relationship and lives. "Cohabitation does not generally imply a lifetime commitment to stay together," she said. "Cohabitants are more likely to assume that each partner is responsible for supporting him or herself."
Dr. Waite, a professor of sociology at the University of Chicago whose research focuses on family structure, drew from various resources in her work, including the National Survey of Families and Households, a sampling of 13,000 adults, which was conducted in the late 1980's, with a followup in the early 1990's.
In terms of money, her research found that married couples were generally more financially well off than couples who simply lived together, because they were much more likely to pool money and invest in the future than were couples who merely cohabitated.
Increased material well being, she argued, trickles down into investments in better medical care, safer surroundings, better food and other things that raise the standard of living and reduce stress.
Dr. Waite also traced better health to marriage. Divorced men, her study showed, had twice the rate of alcohol abuse that married men had, and almost as many indulged in other "risk taking" behavior. Divorced women showed similar patterns, though at lower rates.
"Marriage may provide individuals with a sense of meaning in their lives," Dr. Waite said, "and a sense of obligation to others, inhibiting risky behaviors and encouraging healthy ones."
Her audience seemed most interested in the fact that married people report having more and better sex than single people have.
She cited the 1992 National Health and Social Life survey to support the notion that a readily available and willing married partner resulted in married men having sex twice as frequently as most of the single men surveyed, and the married men reported higher levels of satisfaction with their sex lives than either single or cohabitating men. She attributed this to the partners' investment in "skills" to please one specific person, and to an emotional investment in a relationship that should result in increasing the frequency and quality of sex.
Men appear to have the most to benefit from marriage, the study showed. They tend to make more money, perhaps because they have the incentive of another person. Dr. Waite said that divorced men had higher rates of drug and alcohol abuse and depression than single or married men or than single, married or divorced women.
"I think that happens because women tend to do the emotional work for the family," Dr. Waite said in an interview. "They have the friends and the skills and don't get it all from a marriage."
On the other hand, the studies she compiled indicated that women get fewer benefits from marriage. They often suffer a wage loss, particularly after children, and tend to be burdened with more housework. And the same research she used with men and sex, Dr. Waite said, indicated that women's sexual satisfaction was not really altered by their marital status.
Throughout three days of paper presentations, at least a half dozen demographers of family structure made strong arguments against cohabitation, offering research showing that those who live together before marriage have higher divorce rates, are more likely to be incompatible and sexually disloyal and are generally less happy than married couples. People who live together without marriage focus too much on their individual careers to care about another very much, said onedemographer; others argued that such people are not necessarily committed to a relationship for the long haul.
Even so, more than half of all marriages now follow cohabitation, and the number of people who live together without marriage at any one time grew 80 percent from 1980 to 1991. Conversely, 1 in 4 Americans over 18 has never married, according to the Census data, compared with 1 in 6 in 1970.
"Marriage is like exercise," Dr. Waite said. "You have to give people the information, and some are going to say, 'I know this is good for me, and I am going to push myself, and I am going to have a healthier and more satisfying life.' And as much as they like the single's scene, they are going to negotiate."
Studies Find Big Benefits in Marriage
Single people may simply not know what's good for them, a recent group of studies suggests.
A body of demographic research presented at the conference of the Population Association of America here today indicates that marriage offers dramatic emotional, financial and even health benefits over the single life and cohabitation.
"Cohabitation has some but not all of the benefits of marriage," said Linda Waite, the association's president, in an address to members in which she argued that the married enjoy better health, more money and more satisfying sex.
An enhanced commitment that comes naturally with marriage, she said, increases all levels of the support that individuals bring to their relationship and lives. "Cohabitation does not generally imply a lifetime commitment to stay together," she said. "Cohabitants are more likely to assume that each partner is responsible for supporting him or herself."
Dr. Waite, a professor of sociology at the University of Chicago whose research focuses on family structure, drew from various resources in her work, including the National Survey of Families and Households, a sampling of 13,000 adults, which was conducted in the late 1980's, with a followup in the early 1990's.
In terms of money, her research found that married couples were generally more financially well off than couples who simply lived together, because they were much more likely to pool money and invest in the future than were couples who merely cohabitated.
Increased material well being, she argued, trickles down into investments in better medical care, safer surroundings, better food and other things that raise the standard of living and reduce stress.
Dr. Waite also traced better health to marriage. Divorced men, her study showed, had twice the rate of alcohol abuse that married men had, and almost as many indulged in other "risk taking" behavior. Divorced women showed similar patterns, though at lower rates.
"Marriage may provide individuals with a sense of meaning in their lives," Dr. Waite said, "and a sense of obligation to others, inhibiting risky behaviors and encouraging healthy ones."
Her audience seemed most interested in the fact that married people report having more and better sex than single people have.
She cited the 1992 National Health and Social Life survey to support the notion that a readily available and willing married partner resulted in married men having sex twice as frequently as most of the single men surveyed, and the married men reported higher levels of satisfaction with their sex lives than either single or cohabitating men. She attributed this to the partners' investment in "skills" to please one specific person, and to an emotional investment in a relationship that should result in increasing the frequency and quality of sex.
Men appear to have the most to benefit from marriage, the study showed. They tend to make more money, perhaps because they have the incentive of another person. Dr. Waite said that divorced men had higher rates of drug and alcohol abuse and depression than single or married men or than single, married or divorced women.
"I think that happens because women tend to do the emotional work for the family," Dr. Waite said in an interview. "They have the friends and the skills and don't get it all from a marriage."
On the other hand, the studies she compiled indicated that women get fewer benefits from marriage. They often suffer a wage loss, particularly after children, and tend to be burdened with more housework. And the same research she used with men and sex, Dr. Waite said, indicated that women's sexual satisfaction was not really altered by their marital status.
Throughout three days of paper presentations, at least a half dozen demographers of family structure made strong arguments against cohabitation, offering research showing that those who live together before marriage have higher divorce rates, are more likely to be incompatible and sexually disloyal and are generally less happy than married couples. People who live together without marriage focus too much on their individual careers to care about another very much, said onedemographer; others argued that such people are not necessarily committed to a relationship for the long haul.
Even so, more than half of all marriages now follow cohabitation, and the number of people who live together without marriage at any one time grew 80 percent from 1980 to 1991. Conversely, 1 in 4 Americans over 18 has never married, according to the Census data, compared with 1 in 6 in 1970.
"Marriage is like exercise," Dr. Waite said. "You have to give people the information, and some are going to say, 'I know this is good for me, and I am going to push myself, and I am going to have a healthier and more satisfying life.' And as much as they like the single's scene, they are going to negotiate."
Friday, November 14, 2008
Silent Majority
I was teaching in a class yesterday and when I asked the class "why do people have sex?" I received some interesting responses. One girl raised her hand and said "because all their friends are doing it."
Really??
Isn't it the case that those who make the poorest decisions tend to be the loudest? You don't often hear someone walk into the locker room bragging "DUDE - I had an awesome weekend! Guess what I did? I went to that party Friday night and I didn't drink, smoke OR have sex! I rock!"
The above situation is comical because it never happens! Instead, you often hear the opposite. It's like making poor decisions that could compromise their future and have negative consequences somehow makes them "cool" and therefore "popular."
Because they tend to be very vocal about these poor decisions, we are often led to believe they are the majority. But even this will prove to be false.
Statistics published in 2007 by the Center for Disease Control (CDC) showed that the MAJORITY of teens are NOT having sex! Surprised? Let's look at the numbers for high school students:
The number who are NOT currently sexually active is 65%
The number who have NEVER had sexual intercourse is 52.2%
So stop buy the LIE that everyone is doing it. You are in the majority. It's time to stop being silent and start speaking up. VIRGIN is not a dirty word. In fact, it's the best thing you could ever do for yourself during high school.
(To read stats, visit http://www.cdc.gov/HealthyYouth/yrbs/index.htm)
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
007 Exposed
Bond...James Bond (*cue cheesy music*)
A classic hero and not to mentioned a hottie, 007 seemed to have it all. The cool gadgets, the suave moves, and lets not forget the gorgeous females. He always seemed to get himself in a pickle, but his wit and cunny always saved the day as good triumphed over evil.
Yet, how well did James Bond's intelligence serve him?
Since the creation of the James Bond movies, there have been 22 films, with the most recent opening in Erie this weekend: Quantum of Solace. Out of these 22 films, there have been well over 80 Bond Girls. Even if Bond only slept with 50 of them (which is generous) then can you imagine his sexual exposure?
An article written by Jane Jimenez said it this way:
"Professor John Ashton, a director of public health in the UK, has just pointed out the obvious. If James Bond were a real person, the good professor tells reporters, he would have almost certainly been HIV positive. 007 is more at risk from careless sex than he is from any arch enemy.
Beginning in 1962 with Ursula, Eunice, and Daniela, straight through forty years into the new millennium with Denise and Elektra…The World is Never Enough when it comes to Bond and his women. No matter how swift the action and dangerous the situation, in each and every movie 007 always has time to “make whoopee” with a new Bond woman.
Liberated by Hollywood magic, Bond and his eternal harem are free to flow with their sexual urges. No matter how short the friendship, or how fleeting the relationship, 007 and his woman of the moment inevitably merge in a big-screen sexual romp.
According to Hollywood, sex is everything wonderful…anytime, anywhere, and with anyone.
According to medical realities, sex is only wonderful…in the right time, in the right place, and with the right person. And no gadget known to mankind will save Bond…or the rest of us…from the inevitable.
Medical realities are amassing in data to prove the truth of what abstinence educators have been teaching over the past twenty years. Professor Ashton raises the same alarm. Sex has consequences, both good and bad. And the bad consequences of sex will not disappear, no matter how big the denial is from those who promote condoms and “safe sex.”
Condoms are not fail-safe. They are subject to failure…and lots of it. For teens and pregnancy, condoms fail approximately 20 percent of the time.
Condoms are never fail-safe. Genital herpes viruses infect one in five people over the age of twelve… partly owing to the fact that they live on body areas not covered by the condom. These are just a few of the realities that never touch Bond.
Hollywood profits from building the illusion that Bond will never die…from anything. This makes for great movies. But in our hearts, we know the truth.
We know it’s an illusion when we see 007 dodging a hail of bullets, skiing off the top of the Alps and landing with a downhill swoosh of grace, sailing down the slope, around the trees, and over the rocks…his hair unmessed and his body unsmashed.
In bed, the illusions are no less spectacular. Bond has been allowed to dodge STDs, pregnancy and abortion through ignorant movie “madness.”
Illusions make great movies. But they are deadly in real life.
No doubt about it. If you want to Never Say Die, take note. Bond is a great thrill to watch. But he is no role model for living a life in the real world…on the slopes…in space…or under the sheets." (to read more see http://www.fromthehomefront.org/04_July30.htm)
A classic hero and not to mentioned a hottie, 007 seemed to have it all. The cool gadgets, the suave moves, and lets not forget the gorgeous females. He always seemed to get himself in a pickle, but his wit and cunny always saved the day as good triumphed over evil.
Yet, how well did James Bond's intelligence serve him?
Since the creation of the James Bond movies, there have been 22 films, with the most recent opening in Erie this weekend: Quantum of Solace. Out of these 22 films, there have been well over 80 Bond Girls. Even if Bond only slept with 50 of them (which is generous) then can you imagine his sexual exposure?
An article written by Jane Jimenez said it this way:
"Professor John Ashton, a director of public health in the UK, has just pointed out the obvious. If James Bond were a real person, the good professor tells reporters, he would have almost certainly been HIV positive. 007 is more at risk from careless sex than he is from any arch enemy.
Beginning in 1962 with Ursula, Eunice, and Daniela, straight through forty years into the new millennium with Denise and Elektra…The World is Never Enough when it comes to Bond and his women. No matter how swift the action and dangerous the situation, in each and every movie 007 always has time to “make whoopee” with a new Bond woman.
Liberated by Hollywood magic, Bond and his eternal harem are free to flow with their sexual urges. No matter how short the friendship, or how fleeting the relationship, 007 and his woman of the moment inevitably merge in a big-screen sexual romp.
According to Hollywood, sex is everything wonderful…anytime, anywhere, and with anyone.
According to medical realities, sex is only wonderful…in the right time, in the right place, and with the right person. And no gadget known to mankind will save Bond…or the rest of us…from the inevitable.
Medical realities are amassing in data to prove the truth of what abstinence educators have been teaching over the past twenty years. Professor Ashton raises the same alarm. Sex has consequences, both good and bad. And the bad consequences of sex will not disappear, no matter how big the denial is from those who promote condoms and “safe sex.”
Condoms are not fail-safe. They are subject to failure…and lots of it. For teens and pregnancy, condoms fail approximately 20 percent of the time.
Condoms are never fail-safe. Genital herpes viruses infect one in five people over the age of twelve… partly owing to the fact that they live on body areas not covered by the condom. These are just a few of the realities that never touch Bond.
Hollywood profits from building the illusion that Bond will never die…from anything. This makes for great movies. But in our hearts, we know the truth.
We know it’s an illusion when we see 007 dodging a hail of bullets, skiing off the top of the Alps and landing with a downhill swoosh of grace, sailing down the slope, around the trees, and over the rocks…his hair unmessed and his body unsmashed.
In bed, the illusions are no less spectacular. Bond has been allowed to dodge STDs, pregnancy and abortion through ignorant movie “madness.”
Illusions make great movies. But they are deadly in real life.
No doubt about it. If you want to Never Say Die, take note. Bond is a great thrill to watch. But he is no role model for living a life in the real world…on the slopes…in space…or under the sheets." (to read more see http://www.fromthehomefront.org/04_July30.htm)
Monday, November 3, 2008
Welcome to the wide wide world
Hello!
The Women's Care Center is officially on the information highway. Took us a while, but we are up. We are excited to start blogging, posting videos, and interacting with parents and youth to better serve Erie, PA.
Make sure to share this blog with friends!
The Women's Care Center is officially on the information highway. Took us a while, but we are up. We are excited to start blogging, posting videos, and interacting with parents and youth to better serve Erie, PA.
Make sure to share this blog with friends!
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